Easy As 1, 2, 3

One of the downsides of Facebook is that the constant ability to instantly transcribe brief, random thoughts into words has taken a major cut out of my blog fodder. Things that once would have been elaborated into several paragraphs are compressed into a single summary statement (e.g., “SAM only becomes a more cautious driver when assaulted by loud noises, so your honking really doesn’t help”). And like many Facebookers, I spend my days narcissistically converting every thought, action, opinion and pithy insight into status-friendly phrases. In the course of doing this, I often come up with general statements that really aren’t that relevant to the moment at hand, or just sound plain self-absorbed. Which got me to thinking, hey! Isn’t it about time for a new 100 Things About SAM? SAM thinks it is.


1. I am the very definition of an ISFJ.
2. I got my first car when I was 26.
3. I could eat an entire loaf of warm sourdough bread with butter, regardless of size.
4. I hate drinking water.
5. I get migraines triggered by flying, extreme weather changes, hormones, and red wine.
6. I long planned to name my first son Samuel Clemens.
7. I do my best to make my kids laugh before I get them out of bed in the morning.
8. I have not yet let go of the hope that I will someday end up at an impromptu 11pm concert at Paisley Park.
9. My favorite artificial flavor is red.
10. My first response to being stressed out is to want to take a long drive around the lake.
11. I once won a letter-writing contest to have heyday-era Pauly Shore tape his show at my house for a week, but MTV revoked it when they found out I was 12.
12. I generally drive no more than 5 miles per hour over the speed limit. Maybe 7 on the highway.
13. I’m still mad at everyone involved in the making of What Dreams May Come for making me cry like that in public.
14. I don’t get angry until the third time.
15. I have more country knowledge than the average city girl.
16. I have Raynaud’s disease.
17. I’ve always had the desire to be a teacher and the knowledge that I’d be terrible at it.
18. I’m not afraid of heights, but I will not voluntarily leap off of them.
19. I wish I knew more about plants.
20. I had a pet goldfish named Hot Lips Houlihan.
21. I have practice/pretend conversations in my head that are half-expressed on my face.
22. My dream job involves the porch of an old Victorian house, a sundress, and a laptop.
23. I have martyr tendencies.
24. I’m usually reading at least two books at once, and often three or more.
25. I still buy CDs.
26. I’m highly sensitive to caffeine.
27. I want to be Emmylou Harris when I grow up.
28. I am tormented by my total lack of natural musical ability.
29. I’ve never used a lighter and can’t remember the last time I struck a match.
30. In the last three years, I’ve lost three people dear to me who were 29-33 years old.
31. When told to go to my “happy place,” the first place that comes to mind is my bed.
32. I flew alone for the first time when I was ten.
33. I have a hard time not assuming the worst.
34. I have a poor sense of spatial relation.
35. I only dabbled in team sports, but I took dance classes for five years.
36. I expect to eventually have some form of cancer.
37. I’ve never worked in the food industry.
38. I was told by an acting professor that I have “very expressive eyebrows.”
39. I’ve never touched an illegal substance, smoked a cigarette, or engaged in underage drinking.
40. My college regrets are not the same as your college regrets. Unless you’re Dooce.
41. I don’t enjoy Monopoly.
42. I am a mosquito magnet.
43. It troubles me that working full-time makes me less involved in my kids’ daily lives than my mother was in mine.
44. I don’t plan to ever watch another horror movie.
45. I could really go for a gyro right now.
46. I’m not good at telling pre-written jokes.
47. I’m a decent tipper.
48. I thought my stuffed animals were capable of independent thought until I was at least nine years old.
49. I’m reluctant to medicate.
50. I appreciate good design, but can’t create it.
51. We don’t have enough time for me to explain my job.
52. I spent a combined total of 50 months breastfeeding.
53. I’d still be in therapy if it weren’t for the co-pays.
54. The closest thing I have to a hobby is finding amazing bargains online, putting them in my virtual bag, and then never buying them.
55. I am sometimes awed to speechlessness by my children’s beauty.
56. I don’t really care for whipped cream.
57. I moved five times across three states before I was ten.
58. I moved 400 miles from home when I was 17.
59. I get so embarrassed by other people’s public displays that tears come to my eyes.
60. I’ve never ordered anything for myself at Taco Bell other than a bean burrito (no onion).
61. Given the option, I’d wear a dress every day.
62. You don’t want to be behind me if I have to make a left turn against traffic.
63. I can still recall the theme songs of an unsettling number of obscure ‘80s sitcoms.
64. Most of my friends are closer in age to my big sister than to me.
65. My shyness is often mistaken for aloofness.
66. I’ve seen psychometricians in action.
67. My drink is gin and tonic with bitters and lots of lime.
68. My years of retail work pay off when I’m folding laundry.
69. Hearing multiple electronified sounds (TV, stereo, computer) at the same time makes me feel like I’m going insane.
70. I’m not good at parties.
71. I have above-average willpower.
72. It thrills me that my daughter looks forward to going to Minnesota as much as I did when I was her age.
73. I’m a strong swimmer.
74. I’ve lived in Memphis over ten years, but know better than to say I’m from here.
75. I support my children being taught to say “Yes, ma’am.”
76. I believe in the benefits of homeopathy.
77. I own every one of the twelve albums released by Chris Isaak and have attended six of his live shows.
78. I can’t devote an ounce of fandom to someone I don’t find funny. Exception: Springsteen.
79. I’ve ground my molars just about flat.
80. I let my tea sit until it’s nearly cold.
81. I’m highly sensitive to, and resentful of, being treated like a child.
82. Forget-me-nots always remind me of our mailbox in Pittsburgh.
83. As an eighth grader, I could quote the Dadaist Manifesto.
84. I can’t stand looking at a Word document at anything other than its natural, 100% zoom level - no more, no less.
85. I’m sentimentally attached to my first e-mail address.
86. The only fish I’ve ever enjoyed was a parmesan-crusted mahi mahi at Tsunami.
87. I frequently have the desire to ride a horse.
88. The first thing I remember writing was a book about a hobo.
89. I’m currently in the best shape of my adult life.
90. I was nearly passed over for my current job because my personality test results (accurately) indicated that I am freakishly reserved.
91. I do eventually warm up. Usually within 1-5 years.
92. I’m indifferent to clowns, really.
93. 38% of my monthly take-home pay goes toward paying off my closed business’s debts.
94. My favorite Memphis Zoo residents are the elephants.
95. My balance is skewed to the left.
96. I’m best at chores that require one tool or fewer.
97. I spent one school year in a class consisting entirely of gifted children.
98. I stopped keeping a diary when I was 22.
99. I attend the Church of CBS Sunday Morning.
100. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.