Facebook status messages that would appear on my profile if I stayed logged in throughout my workday (instead of just at lunch. And breaks. Don’t you judge me!):
SAM has been up for three hours but is just now starting her day.
SAM is waiting patiently for the Earl Grey to make her functional.
SAM is observing the Cubicle Law that says you only say “bless you” to sneezing people in the same aisle.
SAM is plotting a way to make friends with the Recruiting team because they always seem to be having a good time and frequently disparage Sarah Palin.
SAM is going to Lisa’s Lunchbox. (Der.)
SAM is pleased to discover that “Ice Breakers Pomegranate Lemon-Aid Mints” contain no actual mint.
SAM is frustrated that the only items recycled by her office are soda can pull tabs.
SAM is probably not impressing anyone by sitting with her foot under her, but it’s the only way to make a rolling desk chair agree with the after-effects of two back labors.
SAM is on her 3:30 tiny vanilla crème cookie break.
SAM is attempting to ignore her neighbor’s 3:35 Afrin-spray break.
SAM is putting her tattoo-covering cardigan on before meeting with upper management.
SAM is very, very sleepy.
SAM feels guilty about leaving at 4:45 to get her baby, even though she gets here before everyone else.
SAM can't remember where she parked. Again.